Wednesday, May 20, 2015

impromtu

The last picture I really loved as a 16 year old being (I could've chosen a selfie but that's everyday ya feel)  The washed out orange glow and purple sum up the hues of a sunset-- nature's way of signaling an approaching end <3

In less than an hour, I'll be turning 17, reaching the ending point of my "forever" in tavi gevinson terms. I've always felt that the true essence of youth is spiritual thus possible of being eternal, forever. So I don't fear getting older. It's just all a little weird. Right now I'm trying to sift through so many emotions of utter excitement and strange rifts of nostalgia for my ever receding childhood that didn't contain stress over college decisions, finances, grades, the future in general, etc. Like today, I interviewed a band director at my school who's retiring, and one of his pieces of advice for present students was: don't blink. Don't blink, he said, because before you know it you'll be walking across the stage at graduation. Next year I'm going to be a senior which PUMPS ME UP but still holds a faint sense of weirdness. I'm turning 17 in less than an hour and even though I'm trying to stay cool, I'm happy and curious and excited about it. I'm sitting on my bed in my room crying over simple realizations like the fact that pretty soon, my childhood room that's seen so many phases and bad paint jobs will become a thing of the past and I'll soon not feel the odd security of teenagedom. But I know that this isn't about "growing up" or "growing old"; it's the impending responsiblities I'll naturally have to take on that's suddenly now becoming surreal. My "forever" has a year left in this world structured around time. With fire and lust for life inside me, I accept that, for I will always have forever within me. 

11 comments:

  1. Happy (belated) birthday, Kaylee! Seventeen is a very sticky one, I know. Keep not blinking. x

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  2. I really know what you mean, I´m excited about the future but at the same time I´m feeling so nostalgic... I´m not ready to become an adult, I want to be a teen forever because I think I haven´t done all the things I wanted. But you´re right we can be teens in our hearts all the time we want.

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    1. I so understand about feeling like you haven't done all of the things you wanted! I'd hate to squeeze it all in because then I fear it won't really be natural, but I think it's that frustration and also the effortless fun/freedom in the meantime that we will look back on when we're older and recognize as the curious magic of being a teenager. The residuals of which we can always have deep down within us

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  3. I love this post so much. This is exactly how i felt last year when i turned 17, and i still feel this way. I don't know what I am going to do when i turn 18 in less than 2 months, and when i graduate high school in less than 6. That "don't blink" thing made me really sad all of a sudden (i did love it, though). Thank you for this.

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    1. Thank YOU Pallavi <3 it's reassuring to know that other people my age are still holding on to our teen years with the notion of perpetual "forever" even though the nostalgia is already seeping in. When he said "don't blink" I became so sad too *insert me talking to him, embarrassingly trying to hold back ugly cries* Keep your eyes wide open and happy early birthday!

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  4. oh wow you have the same birthday as my younger sister! Happy belated birthday! This post is poignant. I remember feeling this way when I turned 20 and left teenagedom behind. I love these lines you wrote: 'I've always felt that the true essence of youth is spiritual thus possible of being eternal, forever. So I don't fear getting older.'

    Great post
    x

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  5. happy late birthday girl! enjoy being 17 and live it up <3

    badsass.blogspot.com

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  6. this post <3<3<3<3<3<3<3 i'm turning 17 this month and i kind of feel scared? just because soon i'll be in uni and suddenly i'll have a whole load of responsibilities. i agree that there is this kind of stability when you're a teenager and i'm slowly starting to realise that in a couple of years, that's going to be gone. the stability of school (even though school is kind of ew) and idk, just all these small things. i'm so glad that i read this now though, since i've kind of been internally freaking out about it haha :)

    - themellowpeach.blogspot.co.uk

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